Sex in our City: Decoding Seattle's Dating Scene

Publications like Forbes and Marie Claire are constantly ranking Seattle as the center of the singles universe, based on our census data, our high volume of Starbucks coffee shops, and the fact that there are seemingly more sappy dating movies and TV shows set in our city than any other place on Earth.

But what do Seattle singles have to say about the dating scene? Is there one? If so, who’s out there in it and how are they going about it? Do people even use the word “dating” anymore? Or do they prefer some euphemism like “hiking the Pacific Crest Trail”? (And if that’s the case, are condoms one of the 10 Essentials?)

We penetrated the city and asked local singles for answers to your burning dating questions (as for that burning sensation, you really should see a doctor). Read on for our decade-by-decade breakdown of the Seattle singleton scene.

20s
What’s it called? Sometimes it’s “hooking up,” sometimes it’s “hanging out.” Sometimes it’s just hard to explain. In fact, it’s generally hard to explain, because many 20-somethings don’t even use the word “date”—although most of them are dating the hell out of each other (usually until 4 in the morning, after which it’s time to head to the Hurricane Café for a chicken-fried steak). “It’s better if no one calls it anything,” says Johnathon Fitzpatrick, a 25-year-old freelance journalist who cycles into the city from Edmonds, “because you don’t know what’s going to happen. If things start to get serious, though, then it’s dating,” he says. Or going out. Or something.

How do you meet? On Twitter; at a friend’s party; at a bar like King’s Hardware in Ballard; or through Seattle’s Underdog Sports League, where it’s actually OK to tackle the people you think are cute. Other options: a club (Neumos or Showbox SoDo); a coffee shop, especially one of the busy independents where you have to share a table or couch (think Vivace at South Lake Union or Victrola on 15th); or an art-friendly bash, like the Henry Gallery’s Open House or Bellevue Arts Museum’s Finally Friday.

The ask: Via Twitter, e-mail, IM or texting—anything but the traditional phone call. That’s out (VM is DOA). Also dead, that old saw about  women having to wait for a guy to make “the move.”   

The date: Hanging out at the Olympic Sculpture Park or Green Lake or Alki; happy hour at Wasabi Bistro in Belltown; or pizza in the high-backed booths at Via Tribunali on Capitol Hill. Other options: Amid the drinks and DJs at the Seattle Art Museum’s quarterly “Remix” (next one, February 26!); loud rock and smoldering looks at the new Crocodile. Tip: Take a “BlackBerry break” halfway through the date so you both can catch up on texts from buddies.   

It’s serious when: You up your cell phone plan to unlimited texting.  

It’s over when: You catch them pitching their Jones Soda bottle off the side of the ferry MV Issaquah.

---

30s
What’s it called? Although the D word is passé, most 30-somethings acknowledge that, much like Tim Eyman initiatives, dating happens. The problem is figuring out if and when you’re actually on a date. “It happens all the time here,” says West Seattleite Damiana Merryweather, 36. “Men will say, ‘We should get a drink’ and it’s completely unclear what’s going on. Are you asking me out? Are you just being friendly? I have no idea.”

How do you meet? Online at Nerve or OKCupid or PlentyofFish; face to face at a “tweet-up” at Hotel Max or Cocktails for a Cause at the Triple Door (both downtown); via Grindr (a GPS-based app for gay guys); or at bingo night at Calamity Jane’s in Georgetown. Other good bets: Snuggie pub crawls; Ballard art walks; a PNB Backstage Pass after-party at Ten Mercer on Queen Anne; or via a game of iPhone checkers on the Microsoft “Connector” bus.

The ask: Via phone, e-mail, texting, Facebook or face to face. And though either/or asks (particularly with online dating), many women still prefer guys to “put out” first—at least with regard to the asking. “Men are amazingly passive in Seattle,” says Damiana, who suggests Starbucks or Tully’s for meeting online dates, so you don’t “ruin” a favorite haunt. “If a man says, ‘You seem interesting. I’d love to take you out,’ it’s comment-worthy.”

The date: Cocktails at Rob Roy in Belltown; bowling at West Seattle Bowl; an urban hike through Seward or Discovery parks. Other options: A Seattle Storm game, gay bingo in Fremont; coffee and carbs at Cupcake Royale in Madrona; a Sexy Sunday seminar at Babeland on Capitol Hill.

It’s serious when: You buy tickets together for Bumbershoot 2010—and it’s only June.

It’s over when: Your BF or GF changes their Facebook relationship status from “In a relationship” to “It’s complicated” to “Single.”

---

40s
What’s it called? “Oh dear God, do I really have to go back out there?”

How do you meet? Through friends, through work or via an online dating site like eHarmony. But prepare yourself. “Internet dating is like a second job—at Walmart,” says Diana (who asked that her last name not be used), a 40-year-old counselor from Eastlake who recommends Mona’s at Green Lake as a good date place. “Every time you think they’re going to let you work in electronics, you get sent back to organize the sale shoes.” But many find it a necessity. “Match.com is the only venue that works for me since I’m a single father,” says Fremont 40-something Kent, who also asked to remain anonymous (that’s another thing about dating in your 40s; everybody knows you, you know everybody). Other options: MOHAI pub trivia nights at Hopvine or Clever Dunne’s on Capitol Hill; “Read Dating” at University Book Store; dancing at the Little Red Hen in Green Lake; or hanging out with a four-legged friend at Marymoor Park’s off-leash dog area in Redmond.

The ask: A phone call, face to face or an e-mail invitation, followed by hours of checking him or her out on Google and/or a full-blown background check via the mobile app DateCheck.

The date: Rock climbing at Vertical World in Ballard; cocktails and frites at Café Presse on Capitol Hill; strawberry picking at Remlinger Farms in Carnation; Belgian beers and brats at Brouwer’s in Fremont; a lazy walk along the Kirkland waterfront. Who pays? Who knows!

It’s serious when: You invite them over to meet your kids at a pre–Solstice Parade brunch.

It’s over when: The dearth of parking in their neighborhood finally outweighs your desire to see them.

---

50s
What’s it called? That thing you keep meaning to do if you can only find the time.

How do you meet? Over drinks at SAM After Hours; cruising the Capitol Hill Block Party; browsing the snow sports department at REI; at that high school reunion you finally broke down and attended; waiting in line at SIFF; and yeah, skating that fine line between hip and hip replacement on the online dating sites.

The ask: E-mail or phone call—occasionally to someone you forgot you went out with 10 years ago (awkward!).

The date: A rockabilly show at the Tractor in Ballard; a play at the Rep, Intiman or Book-It at Seattle Center; sushi at Wabi-Sabi in Columbia City; Sundays at the Fremont Farmers Market; kayaking in the Washington Park Arboretum.

It’s serious when: You decide to go “Hoh” for the weekend (the rain forest, of course).

It’s over when: You log onto the online dating site where you met and find out they’ve reactivated their profile.

---

60s
What’s it called? What isn’t it called? Dating, friends with benefits, companionship, and, for a few, a big bother. “I meet more men than women who say they want to find that special person,” says Mary Davies, 61, who writes the blog Sixty & Single in Seattle (marysreallife.blogspot.com/). “The women have been in long-term relationships and a lot of them feel like they’ve already done that.”

How do you meet? Dancing to blues at Highway 99 under the Alaska Way Viaduct; drinking brews at a monthly History Café at The Pub at Third Place Books Ravenna; perusing the produce at Ballard Farmers Market; talking politics after a Town Hall lecture; hunting for antiques in Puyallup.

The ask: Via phone, e-mail, text, Twitter, Facebook (never underestimate the technical savvy of a single sexagenarian), in person or, for the truly innovative (or romantic), a handwritten note.

The date: An evening at the Seattle Symphony; a bike ride around the city; dinner at Ray’s at Shilshole; a reading at Elliott Bay Book Company; an afternoon of wine and chocolate (or music) at Chateau Ste. Michelle in Woodinville; Silent Movie Mondays at the Paramount.

It’s serious when: “If somebody bought me tickets to Seattle Arts & Lectures, I’d know it was serious,” says Davies.

It’s over when: They ask you if you want to drive up to Mount Vernon to see the birthplace of Glenn Beck.