Worst of 2008

With dire daily news from Wall Street, Washington and WaMu (and Forbes magazine declaring Seattle the hardest American city in which to sell a house) this year hasn’t exactly been a barrel of monkeys. But a certain vice presidential candidate made for some lightening up on the national front (thank you Tina Fey!), and luckily we found lots to laugh about locally too.

 

They’re Not Guns, They’re Gunbeams
Maybe somewhere they look like sunbeams, or rivers, as the director of Yakima’s community and economic development department hoped, but here on Earth, Yakima’s attempt at festive street banners caused a stir last spring because of their resemblance to rifles, or outstretched arms holding handguns. The city installed 46 of them (to the tune of $4,000) on lampposts, but the design gave plenty of ammunition to Yakima’s image as a drug-infested, crime-ridden city, and the banners were soon removed. Plans to sell them for their kitsch value were shot down.

Gobble Gaffe
Last November, Seattle Public Schools psychologist Caprice Hollins (who was director of the since axed Office of Equity, Race and Learning Support) sent a letter to district teachers that called Thanksgiving a “time of mourning” and “bitter reminder of 500 years of betrayal returned for friendship.” Sure, the Pilgrims-high-fiving-Native-Americans version of the first Thanksgiving may be slightly sunnier than the truth, but geez, talk about a turkey.

Mothers Against Dopey Ideas About Drinking
Independent grocers and alcohol producers are reveling in a one-year pilot program allowing wine and beer tasting in 30 area supermarkets (no, it doesn’t give you license to pilot a vehicle after you participate). It’s a way to support local breweries and wineries, say advocates. But teetotalers opposed the plan, worrying that the new program would give the under-21 crowd “a favorable impression that the community supports alcohol and alcohol use.” We’re sure teens would be shocked—shocked!—to find that drinking was going on in this community.

Maybe She Uses Botox
And speaking of exposure to alcohol, meet Rose Walter. She looks great for her age—she’s perky, energetic and fun. She even fancies a cocktail every now and then. But she was a bit surprised when she got carded at Von’s Grand City Café in Seattle last Christmas Eve. Walter is 91 years old, which, last time we checked, clears the state’s legal drinking age. While she was surely pleased to be taken for someone the age of her great-great-grandchild, she was not so happy when she realized she’d left her ID at home. No card, no drink.

But Wait! There’s More!
Governor Christine Gregoire was also ousted from a bar not long ago for failing to produce ID at a spot in Olympia called Hannah’s. (Don’t these ladies know the best place to wet your whistle is in the grocery aisles?) We find this much more understandable than the Rose Walter episode; after all, Governor Gregoire is a practically pubescent 61. Memo to the governor: Time to rethink the state’s wild and crazy liquor control laws—or to host a Zen workshop for Washington’s hypervigilant bar bouncers.

White Elephant
The city’s Graffiti Rangers chose to ignore thousands of defaced walls, tagged sidewalks and spray-paint-obliterated street signs in favor of painting over a beloved neighborhood mural near Woodland Park Zoo last June (the result of a mix-up between the Department of Transportation and a well-meaning citizen who had called to report graffiti on the mural). Cost of undoing the giraffe gaffe? Estimates run from $5,000 to $10,000, making this mistake a real bear.

Two Eyebrows Are Better Than One
In football, the defensive end’s job is to make sure no one gets to the outside—and that goes double for nose and ear hairs. Or so it would seem, as Seahawks end Daryl Tapp was plucked to endorse the new line of ACE for Men grooming products. But don’t expect Tapp, who favors pedicures, to wax nostalgic about clipping. On the field, that carries a 15-yard penalty.

Smile, You’re on Candid Camera
Visitors to Capitol Hill’s Cal Anderson Park were informed after the fact (and without public notice or City Council approval) that surveillance cameras had been installed (so law enforcement can find out if that really is cheese in your picnic basket). The mayor says the cameras are necessary to deter illicit activity. Issues of proper channels and oversight aside, the $850,000 one-year test of the cameras has so far yielded approximately zero arrests, but no matter; the mayor has proposed more cameras for other areas, so prepare to say “Cheese” in Seattle parks, even if you’re not packing any.

Curses, Milfoiled Again
Seattleites were in an uproar last June when swimmers and divers found approximately 80 sharpened spikes in the water near the Green Lake Aquatic Center. Though the city froze in terror as theories of malicious intent swarmed, it turned out to be less a case of bad guys than of bad memory. Days after the spikes were discovered, a park department employee revealed that the pokers were part of a 1980s effort to control the invasive weed milfoil by stretching plastic sheeting across the bottom of the lake and holding it down with spikes. It’s yet another example of the crimes of fabric perpetrated in the 1980s, and a good reminder not to put your feet down while swimming in Green Lake. (P.S.: Why are you swimming in Green Lake?).

The Reno of the Northwest
Romantics of all stripes will be glad to learn that since the Moonies couldn’t keep up with the demand for mass marriages, the city of Kirkland has stepped into the breach. The group Kirkland Weddings came up with the idea of becoming a mass wedding destination during the city’s centennial celebration in 2005, when 56 couples said, “We’ll try,” in front of retired judge Carolyn Hayak. This year the group hopes to yoke another herd together on Valentine’s Day. The $350 fee includes use of Heritage Hall, flowers, a photographer and a harpist—but we’re wondering how much they charge to play “Here Come the Brides.”

Texas-size Ego
In America, we’re taught you can get away with being rude, abusive and unprofessional, as long as you are famous and related to someone even more famous (and preferably cuter). Not so. When 5th Avenue Theatre’s Lone Star Love star Randy Quaid tested that theory last fall, 26 of his fellow performers complained, and he was banned for life from Actors Equity. Quaid’s alleged infractions included rewriting portions of the script, smacking an actor on the head and making sexually inappropriate comments about an actress’s “gynecological instruments.” The ill-fated musical closed after its Seattle run; it was originally scheduled to move to Broadway. No stars for you, Randy, not even a lone one.