27 Things You Should Never Say to a Bartender

Patrons say a lot of stupid things to their bartenders. Stop it.

By Seattle Mag August 28, 2014

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We in Seattle are lucky. We have a fantastic and expanding bar scene, which delivers us an assortment of delicious drinks that we can have when we’re out and about. But those drinks, of course, wouldn’t be delicious without the skill and all-around awesomeness of our local bartenders. I’m always trying to promote better bartender knowledge, and, when needed, give a gentle nudge to patrons to remember to treat those bartenders with the respect and hugs (even if they aren’t real hugs) they deserve.

I recently asked four top bartenders what customers should never say and I got 27 great answers, some short and sweet and others a bit longer. So listen up to the below advice.

Perryn Wright, The Teacher’s Lounge

1. “You’re a good little bartender!” Specifically something that you should never say to a female bartender, but somehow it is only ever said to female bartenders.

2. “Make me something.”  Obviously. That’s what we’re here for, is to make something for you. Can you narrow it down a bit? See also…

3. “What’s your favorite drink?” Happy to answer, but you and I may be very different people. If you’re just curious, cool; but it’s not the best way to figure out your own order.

4. “You know what you need to do?”  Maybe this one only applies to owner-operators – hah.  Advice about decor, theme nights, music and other subjects. We appreciate the input. We’d never thought of that. Or we thought of that and just didn’t bother.  You’re right, we should totally do that!

5. “I know the owner.” Nice! Me, too!

6. “What’s the cheapest thing ya got?” Technically, air and/or water, but we prefer that you buy something. Soda or juice would probably technically be the correct answer, but that’s probably not what they’re looking for.

7. “I’m drunk.” Seems self-explanatory, but you’d be surprised how nonchalant some people are about this little phrase.


Joe Jeannot, Kaisho

8. “Do you want my phone number?”

9. “Can you make me this red drink I tried at my friend’s wedding reception?”

10. “Hey YOU! What’s your name?”

11. “Excuse me, am I showing too much cleavage?”

12. “Where’s the nearest cash machine?”

13. “Hey bartender, what’s that you’re making?”

14. “Excuse me, are you single?”

15. “Is that guy creepy?” 

16. “Why haven’t you called me, I thought you were different?”

17. “I can’t taste any booze in my drink.”


Melissa Cross, Tavern Law

18. “Can you make me what I had at Bar X?” As a bartender, you are part artist and like artists each bartender has his or her strong suits. Don’t expect to have the exact same drink that was featured on a menu somewhere else unless you are heading to the bar at Cheesecake Factory. Sure, we all know how to prepare a Bloody Mary or traditional Margarita, but to learn what your bartender is about, look behind the bar, survey the possibilities. Do you see specialty products and bottles behind our bars . . . bar spoons, lots of bitters or tinctures? Go ahead and explore variations. Most bartenders will happily look up any foreign recipe or try to re-create a drink we are not familiar with but by ordering something you tried somewhere else and not exploring, you may be missing out on a memorable bar experience by not capitalizing on that bartender’s specialty.

19. “Make it a strong one.” I’ll make your drink balanced and delicious. An overly strong drink is out of proportion. Order a double gin and tonic and be prepared to pay for it. Keep in mind that most cocktails cannot be prepared as a double. There is no such thing as a double Manhattan or Martini. Remember, drinking is not a race and getting drunk should not be your goal. Relax, enjoy a beverage or two. I don’t want to have to cut you off, but I will.

20. “What do you mean you don’t have…?” Roll with the punches. Be open minded and allow your bartender to create a unique experience for you. Sure we may not carry that hometown draft, but we may have others that will amaze you and create a memorable experience of the tastes and flavors of Seattle. 

21. “Baby . . .?” Don’t call me baby. Sexual affronts are not sexy . . . they are a ticket out the door. Those kind of things will get you noticed, but in the way you notice someone you are about to describe to the person escorting them out the door. Play it cool and remember that the fact that person serving you a drink does not have a man’s chest does not give you permission to say things you wouldn’t otherwise. Keep it classy

 

Rene Rodriguez, Damn the Weather

22. “What’s cheap here?” 

23. “Do you know Murray?” (Editor’s Note: This means famed Seattle bartender Murray Stenson.)

24. “How many kinds of ice do you have?”

25. “Are you like, a mixologist?”

26. “Is this like a speakeasy?”

27. “What kind of bar is this?”

 

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