Scoop: Top Five Reasons Not to Move to Portland

Five reminders from us on why Portland is not, in fact, the Eden it may seem.

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Blame it on the economy or the loss of the Sonics (or the miserable failures of our remaining sports teams), but Seattle seems awash in cranky people. We’ve heard one too many threaten to move to Portland, which they typically envision as Seattle in its younger, grungier, and therefore more glorious days (except with way better restaurants). So we’re here to remind you that Portland is not, in fact, the Eden it may seem. Here are our top five reasons to unpack those boxes and stay put.

5. The Portland waterfront. I mean, come on! It’s on a river instead of a sound, there’s no view of the Olympic Mountains, no sculpture park, no aquarium and no thrill of wondering whether it’ll collapse before the seawall is reinforced.

4. Did someone say mountains? Well, they sure grow ’em short down by Portland. Mount Hood rises to a measly 11,245 feet (paltry compared to Rainier’s 14,410 feet). It’s awfully pointy, too. Couldn’t they smooth it out a bit with an exciting eruption?

3. Don’t forget the gas stations—what’s more awkward than having someone rush out to pump gas into your car? As if we can’t do it ourselves! Where’s that Northwest independent spirit, Rose City? Sheesh.

2. Too many beards.  Seattle hipsters may be caught sporting and ironic mustache now and again, but Portlanders never met a furry face they didn't like.  We're all for recycling up here, too, except when it comes to food bits stuck in fuzzy facial hair.

1. It’s way too far away from Vancouver, B.C. When things get really nasty in the U.S., Seattleites can take comfort in the knowledge that the border—and sweet Canuck-style freedom—is just 2.5 hours away.

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