The Washington Midsummer Renaissance Faire cometh—now with pirates! This year, in addition to ye olde lineup of regal knights, saucy wenches and creepy jesters, organizers have added eye-patched, “arrrg”-spewing mateys to the mix. We suspect it’s a blatant attempt to widen the crowd appeal, and we’ve got a few ideas of our own for how to get more Seattleites to the fest. 8/6–8/7, 8/13–8/14, 8/20–8/21, 10 a.m.–6 p.m. Prices vary. Kelley Farm, 20021 Sumner-Buckley Highway, Bonney Lake; 800.587.0172; washingtonfaire.com. B.D.
Zombie jousting: Embrace the undead craze (while you still have two arms!) by cheering on your favorite zombie as she or he shuffles endlessly toward a knight in shining armor.
Mead brewing master class: Learn the artisan craft of making mead, then lord it over your friends struggling to make wine in their basements. (BYO ironic stein.)
Lute jam: Don’t miss these bearded boys playing the precursor to grunge: filth.
Portland-Potties: What better way to vent your feelings about our neighbors to the south?
Wormhole to the magical new world of coffee: Grab a steaming mug of black witches’ brew from a college grad in a green apron.
WiFi mud pit: Trudge in, recharge and update your Facebook status—from the past!
Head on a Pike...: Place Market Marking the faire entrance, this medieval take on a Seattle landmark is a nod to fresh produce, local crafts and gruesome taunting.
Locavore turkey legs: There’s no reason why you can’t do your slobbery Henry VIII impression with a humanely raised, gently slaughtered bird.