WARNING: What you are about to read is not true, accurate or representative of Seattle magazine’s professional opinion, but it sure is funny.
While Seattle continued its three-year reign as the nation’s construction crane capital, your view of Puget Sound and the Olympics finally met its inevitable demise at the hands of a new 50-story tower. It’s sad, but they say every time God closes a snowcapped view of The Brothers, he replaces it with a view of two overworked, on-call Amazon software engineers ordering from Postmates for dinner.
Heart of Belltown
Long expected after a developer purchased a string of Second Avenue real estate properties on Belltown’s most popular strip, the heart of Belltown—Shorty’s, Mama’s Mexican Kitchen and Tula’s Restaurant and Jazz Club—was finally snatched out of the lively neighborhood. It was promptly incinerated in a lava chamber assumed to be located somewhere underneath a new 40-story condo tower.
Jay Inslee’s presidential campaign
Governor Jay Inslee’s run to be commander-in-chief included five shining months of elevating climate change policy discussions to a national level. His candidacy is survived by supporters currently drowning their sorrows in hiking-trail work parties until notified that Senator Elizabeth Warren (D-Massachusetts) has exiled the entire Trump administration to a Siberian wind farm.
When news hit that the nearly 43-year-old free weekly newspaper would cease print publication in March, scores of shocked Seattle residents expressed surprise that it was still alive or ever existed. In its memory, a group of millennial conspiracy theorists subsequently launched an investigation into the existence of another print paper that ancient local residents call “The Stranger.”
Hideous eyesore no one liked
Thousands attended sentimental farewell events for the Alaskan Way Viaduct—a seismically unsound, view-obstructing roadway that the city spent more than $2 billion to destroy and replace with an underground toll tunnel. The most popular: A post-demolition “Ding-dong the Waterfront Witch Is Dead” 5K, which included the presentation of a certificate of death from a small, high-pitched man wearing a very strange hat.
Seattle’s last-resort entertainment destination as we know it was gutted this year, mirroring the hollow feeling sports fans felt after the departure of the SuperSonics. After its bloated renovation, officials hope KeyArena claims its rightful place as Washington’s premier entertainment destination, behind the Tacoma Dome, CenturyLink Field, T-Mobile Park, The Showbox, White River Amphitheatre, The Gorge Amphitheatre, Marymoor Park, The Moore, The Paramount, The Crocodile, Neumos, Emerald Queen Casino and Chateau Ste. Michelle (at least that one time Gary Clark Jr. performed).
Anne, are you ok? Are you ok, Anne?
Northgate Auntie Anne’s Pretzels
When Seattle’s new NHL team emptied the core of Northgate Mall this summer to begin construction of a practice ice-rink venue, no business shooed out of the building was mourned quite like Auntie Anne’s Pretzels. Stranded customers will now have to venture all the way to Lynnwood, Bellevue or Tukwila to get their freshly baked Pretzel Bucket fixes.